36 Bryan, United States
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My self-summary

October 2011: Update!!! I am a dad! Here is my newborn baby boy and me!

I am cunning, fearless, and determined!


Note: Based on profile activity, tenebrouspirate has been rated full of shit by the male and female users of OkCupid. Read no further if you cannot deal with bouts of long-winded absurdity mixed with liberal amounts of straightforward honesty. You have been duly warned. Expect asshattery!

(The best way to explain yourself is to be yourself. So, since I am a very intense and high-impact individual, prepare to be assaulted by gratuitous, copious, and various forms of projectile self-expression within this profile!)

"As it is with most foods, just about everything in life will be much more palatable, and often pleasantly enjoyable, with the addition of a simple and humble Grain of Salt." ~Me

Notice: I get on this site erratically. Life can get very busy and this site isn't a a very big priority for me. Don't get offended it you don't hear from me or see me around very often.

(Damn this profile has gotten kinda massive. I seem to just keep adding crap to it when I get bored. You should stop reading now if you have the attention span of a gnat. Oh, and don't worry about the links, they are all work friendly. They are also pretty damned funny in conjunction with where I put them.)

Now on to the bit about me...

I am me. I am proud of who I am and what I am. I am Texas born and bred with a bit of redneck, a good bit of geek, and a small bit of hippie liberal. I can be a bit quite blunt sometimes, but I mean well. I have absolutely no shame.

I am irreverent and intellectual, arrogant but wry, generous yet responsible. Remember the irreverent part, nothing is sacred or safe from my ridicule. I approach life with a sense of humor and wide wonder. Humor is one of the greatest parts of being human, and is what allows us to live with tragedy while staying sane.

(Pay close attention to the part about irreverence and humor, especially if you are checking out my profile after reading something inflammatory I posted on the forums.)

I greatly enjoy the outdoors and being close to nature. I grew up camping, hiking, fishing, rafting, tubing, etc. My family rarely stayed indoors on the weekends. I need more friends that love the outdoors.

The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test
scored me as 8 The Asserter. This actually is mostly accurate for me if you feel like reading it.

(Sometimes the hotlink to the test results works, and sometimes it completely vanishes. Go figure.)

Yes. I am actually 6'3" tall. I used to be 6'4", but my lower back has compressed in a few joints. Maybe I should change that to 6'5" since the OKC Blog says that people are 2" shorter than what they list.

Attention: To set the record straight, I am more or less on here to meet people in general and have fun. Yes my profile says I am married. I have a wife. OMG!!!

My sweet schnookums is ❤ ❣ ♡ ♥ holliebunnie ♥ ♡ ❣❤ who I met on here...(she was water_and_fire before she de-activated her profile in a fit of frustration) This is us together. We are happily married, with a cute baby and all that mushy family stuffs! Wooohooo! She is a very beautiful and wonderful woman. If I believed in luck, I would count myself very lucky to have her.

We are in a semi-open marriage, and she has encouraged me to explore things with other women. My wife IS bi-sexual, and we might someday be interested in having a girlfriend together or sharing women who are just curious or looking for fun. However, we aren't really actively looking for other partners on here. But, you are welcome to send in your dating resume if you like...

I am both male and human, but I don't like sex at all. I prefer feeling endlessly frustrated and unsatisfied, it gives me a competitive edge in life. Ok, maybe not. I do have that fondness for random sex like most dudes but haven't really pursued it outside of my marriage lately. When I do though, I am pretty damned ravenous and insatiable. But, I seem to have picked up this inconvenient bit of maturity somewhere along the way and I feel that there is a hell of a lot more to life than just getting laid.

(Stupid maturity always getting in the way of having fun!!! Though I do make a lot of sex jokes...)

Socializing does not mean dating, nor does it mean I am trying to find candidates to replace my wife. I just love humanity and love to meet people. I am not going to ruin relationship opportunities by trying to make something happen that isn't natural. A good friendship is just as important to me as having a girlfriend, but my marriage and family will always come first.

Now in Spanish

¿Dónde está el baño? Habla español muy cerveza! ¿Por qué hay una cucaracha en mi bebida?

Now in French

Où se trouve l'hôpital? Mes cheveux se lever et je suis humide! Mon français est parfait, je le jure!

Now in Latin

Vini Vidi Vermicelli!
Bam Bas Bat!
Bamus Batus Banter!
E Pluribus Rectum!
Amare Et Sapere Vix Deo Conceditur!
Parturient Montes, Nascetur Ridiculus Mus!
In Vitro Margaritas!

Now in Pig Latin

i-Hay, ike-lay...is-thay ofile-pray ocks-ray otally-tay ardcore-hay! ude-Day!

Now in German

Ich habe einen tollwütigen wiesel innen mein hosen!

Now in English

I are learned and speak good. I like to read real good and drink beers. I gots educates. Because. Pr0digalSon gots my back, yo!
What I’m doing with my life
I wander the earth, like Kwai Chang Caine from Kung-Fu.

Originally, I moved to Bryan for work, met an awesome woman, got married, and started doing the family thing. Here we all are taking pictures for Mother's Day 2012.

Recently however, I got laid off and my wife started working. so I have decided to try my hand at being a stay-at-home dad and aspiring author. For years I have told myself that I would some day write professionally and try and get published, and this seems like as good a time as any.

So far shortages of both orbital mind control lasers and zombie armies have thwarted my plans for global domination. However, I am pleased to acknowledge scottytwopointOh as my most trusted lieutenant. It is only a minor setback that he has gone missing in action. I should never have deployed him to Rio...

Sadly, I may have to resort to using trained garden gnomes to carry out my dastardly schemes. Until such a time as I am able to mobilize my forces and conquer the world, I will plan on retiring as a dirty old fart when I get sufficiently elderly and decrepit.
I’m really good at
Dancing with the Devil.

Failing Spectacularly. No seriously, I love screwing up and being wrong. What good is always being right? I see being wrong as a chance to learn something that I completely missed before.

Anything I decide to apply myself to really. Okay, a lot of humility there...heh. I excel at arrogance. I even have been known to make guest appearances in remote corners of the world as a tribal deity.

I am not too shabby at tactlessness and idiocy either. Vigorously mutilating a person's delicate sensibilities is probably one of my most developed life skills.

I am really good at picking things up and getting a working knowledge of them. I know a little bit about all kinds of random things. I am extremely versatile.

Oh and math. I love numbers and logic, even if I am naturally intuitive.

My Kung-Fu Is Strong!
The first things people usually notice about me
I am a meat popsicle.

I am tall. I think I am funny. I can be really loud and longwinded.

Also, women seem to love my big, large, huge, gigantic, massive, humungous, mammoth, epic, monumental, colossal, titanic, immense, prodigious, bulky, bulging...

...vocabulary. What did you think I was going to say? My ego is pretty impressive too. It can deflect bullets and derail freight trains.

Oh, and I eat babies. Mmmmm babies. Get in my belly! When he isn't trying to pick up underage chicks at the local high school, slaydonkeypunch gives me the best recipes for toddlers ever.

I am also a complete idiot and love being stupid. It is quite liberating really. Being smart all the time gets rather boring and dull. Actually, I have this life philosophy that ignorance truly is bliss. If I know nothing, then I can learn anything.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Mainly Fantasy and Sci-Fi, from the classics to the modern works. God I love Terry Pratchett! Some of my other favorites are:Mark Twain, George R. Martin, Michael Moorcock, Khalil Gibran, Raymond E. Feist, Janny Wurts, L. E. Modesitt, Frank Herbert, and many others.

Movies: I can roll with action flicks or deep dramas. Tom Cruise and Keanu Reeves need to be dropped in a black hole. These guys rock: Johnny Depp, Will Ferrell, Robert Downey Jr., Tim Burton, Russell
, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Clint Eastwood, and Jack Nicholson.

Music: I listen mainly to Classic Rock, Rock, Punk, Metal, and Alternative. <3 Led Zeppelin <3 Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Joe Satriani, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Pink Floyd, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, Three Doors Down, Pearl Jam, U2, Old Metalica, and the like.

Food: I don't eat fast food of any kind, unless I am starving or intoxicated. I love good food of all kinds and trying new stuff. They do say that variety is the best spice. I also love to cook.

Misc: Firefly, Martial Arts, Philosophy, Onepiece! Cowboy Bebop, Claymore...OtherAnime/Manga i.e. Bleach & Naruto
The six things I could never do without
0. Illogic
1. Freedom
2. Love

(doesn't have to be romantic)

3. Friends & Family

(people I am close to)

4. Laughter!
5. Responsibility
6. Music
7. Passion

Yes, I marginally know how to count, I just enjoy being difficult. Besides, seven is a much better number than six.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The meaning of life, hot women, needing to do laundry, sex, ways to get rich, abstract concepts, sex with hot women, world peace, √∞≈0±xⁿ

(where x=life and n=beer)

,how to find the clitoris, hot women dressed as school girls, what to eat for dinner, hot barely legal girls just out of high school, plans to conquer the world...you know, the normal stuff.

(If you didn't laugh, you either need a drink or therapy. Yes SEX is funny! Have you ever watched a porn movie? Have you seen the faces and heard the noises those people make?!?)

The highly esteemed skenth is one of my favorite individuals on here to discuss philosophy and ideas with. If you are up for an intellectual discussion you should drop him a note.

Oh, and I like to think that I am something of a poet.
You can see some of my random writing here: Deviant Art

(I don't claim any real talent, but what good is expression if you never share it?)

There once was a man from Venus...

I don't believe in "Truth" at all, but when I die, someone saying "That man really lived life while he was alive" will be as close to truth as I can possibly make it.
On a typical Friday night I am
There is a typical Friday night?? You mean like the ones that don't involve alien abductions or visits from the law enforcement agencies?

I always end up calling calamityray for legal advice once the inevitible NSA raid picks me up. You would think those people would have better things to do with their time, like investigating the IRS, The Church of Scientology, or other Terrorist Organizations, Ancient Undead Creatures, Rapaciously Pernicious Violations of the Universe, and Threats to the Free World.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Beer is totally awesome!

I got my super powers by having my leg humped by a rabid, radioactive, venomous, genetically modified, transgender chipmunk. It was very traumatic and dramatic. I wrote a screenplay and blogged about it.

"When I was just a baby, my Mama told me 'Son...Always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns'...But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."

"Mama just killed a man...Put a gun against his head...Pulled my trigger, now he's dead..."

I used to have a pet hamster named Boo. He was the Hamster of Doom, who died a tragic death that not even a grandmaster of the hamster jujitsu arts, such as himself, could avoid. I currently have a hamster named Augustus Ceasar, or Gus for short. Never try to get between a grown man and his hamster or try and understand their unusually close relationship. Some bonds just cannot be explained.

We also have many pet rats, (previously ruled by the recently late Konig Otto der Zeraust von die tödliche Langeweile, R.I.P. Otto) that are totally awesome, and I keep two fish tanks. One tank was for raising guppies to feed to the tank of eternally hungering South American cichlids, but they have become pets too. I love nature so much, that I have a little bit of the discovery channel right in our living room! I draw the line at dating livestock though.

...okay okay, I am not always really good at small talk. I am very outgoing when I am in the right mood, but I have a tendency to stay quiet unless I have something that is worth talking about.

I am very extroverted most of the time, but that is through practice, not nature. I am naturally an introvert and need regular periods of personal time to recharge. When I meet several new people all at once I will often listen instead of talk for a good bit of time till I get a good feel for them.

There is really only one thing that actually truly scares me anymore: Boredom. True boredom, apathy, atrophying life, stagnancy...that is antipathy to me. It is my anathema. I have lived through the visceral actuallity of it being a daily, no, hourly constant. I was miserable. The thought of living like that ever again is the one thing that scares me.

I am also very bad at quitting and giving up when things go south. I have this habbit of making proverbial "Marches to the Sea" when I really should cut my losses and try again later. I am very stubborn.

Honestly, bill-t is my favorite friendly neighborhood perpetrator of International War Crimes, Crimes Against Humanity, Genocide, Ethnic Cleansing, Hate Crimes, and Sexually Predatory Acts. He is so warm, fuzzy, and cuddly though! Who can resist him?

(I employed Briton_W as my official fact checker to corroborate all of these allegations and charges. Contact him with all complaints or corrections.)

You should message me if
You do not take yourself too seriously...

You have a broad and well developed sense of humor...

You are not easily offended...

You prefer to laugh when Shit Happens instead of feeling sorry for yourself...

...AND you can manage a conversation about something other than popular TV, mindless bigotry, famous people, your list of stuff that your false sense of entitlement tells you society owes you, Oprah, conspiracy theories, that local sports team, or anything else equally insipid.


...you have Danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight.

...you know where I can get my hands on a zombie army or orbital mind control lasers.

...you can pop, lock, and/or drop it. ~Zelandoni

...you believe that small dogs should not be carried around in a woman's purse and they are a potential renewable food source in times of famine.

...you aren't trying to find away to get into my pants because you have heard about my epic sexual prowess and renowned exploits of debauchery and depravity. Unless you are Angelina Jolie, Katy Perry, Selma Hayek, or some other ridiculously hot babe that finds me absolutely irresistible.

MOST IMPORTANTLY! You should message me if you just want to meet someone new, cool, and doubtlessly unique.

(I have met and hung out with several people from on here so far, and I have yet to have a bad experience. They have all been a lot of fun in all honesty.)

**I am trying to learn to play pool better. If you are up for pool and some beer, drop me a line!**

**My IMs are on. Feel free to randomly IM me if you see me online. Please do not wink at me though, those things are completely pathetic and insulting**

**If you want to know what my tattoos mean, read my journal post about it before you message me!**