The Christopher Moore's Official "Are You A Beta Male" Test

1. 1

   At a party, you are most often found:

   a) Out by the curb, hurling

   b) Deftly working the room, engaging available women in conversation

   c) Hovering over the hors d'ouevre tray sucking the pimentos out of the olives, and/or licking the Brazil Nuts.

   d) Passing out your card, letting everyone know you're an available designated driver

2. 2

   At work, you are the go-to guy for:

   a) Flawless bullshit presentations, heavy on the charisma, light on the statistics

   b) Unjamming the copier, delivering projects on time, and bypassing the company Internet filter to get to the pornsites.

   c) Chocoloate and tissues when your female colleagues have bad days.

   d) Making immediate executive decisions under incredible pressure

3. 3

   You worked out your adolescent frustrations as often as possible by interacting with/engaging in:

   a) Girls

   b) Sports

   c) Pyrotechnics

   d) Clay

4. 4

   At the gym, you are most often found:

   a) On the treadmill, cranking out six-minute miles.

   b) Using the free weights while swilling a protein-packed energy drink.

   c) Fussing with your iPod headphones and offering a spot to the guy benching 140.

   d) In yoga class, discussing the merits of Vinyasa versus Ashtanga with the women on either side of you.

5. 5

   Your friends trust you with everything but their:

   a) Pets

   b) House Plants

   c) Slutty Girlfriends

   d) All of the above

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