The "Ah, I think I'll have a fag instead" Test

1. Interesting, you've ended up at the "Ah, I think I'll have a fag instead" Test.
   
   You've now got two option. Take the test or have a fag. Ok, strictly speaking, you could be doing both - i.e. having a fag while taking the test - and thus would gain a third option, but that would be cheating. And wasting both your time and health, so not a good option.
   
   I am afraid I cannot tell you what this test is about, as neither advanced logic nor determination resulted in any kind of knowledge. Still, I will impart my advice at the end and, for your own benefit, you had better heed it.
   
   
   
   
2. 1

   Ok, for starters, please answer this question as honestly as possible. Don't look up the solution.
   André Breton and that sheep over there. What should they be doing?

   Marry.

   Spend the night together.

   Spend the night together reading 'The Canterbury Tales'.

   Have a fag.

3. 2

   Have you considered being offended by the use of 'fag' in the title?

   Erm, yes? It's not nice, people might take it the wrong way.

   Yes, I am generally offended. It's one of my guiding principles. I refuse to eat the white gummi bears, too.

   No, I liked the idea, but then it occurred to me that we weren't talking people here.

   I'll have one, thank you.

4. 3

   God, the tooth-fairy for the literate, decides to go on a holiday with André Breton.
   Is André Breton offended?

   Does God smoke Marlboro?

   No, he dresses up as a pipe and both enjoy the phallic shape.

   Yes, God doesn't believe in the French.

   Yes, Breton does not condone equally absurd rival movements.

5. 4

   The English want to know what you are doing in your best clothes.

   I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders.

   Pushing over the sheep. No threesome for Breton this time.

   The dishes.

   Buying fags. The ones from abroad.

6. 5

   What is the purpose of life?
   By life, we mean your life. Not anyone else's. That's not for you to decide.

   Love, happiness, and a dog's slobbery tongue.

   I don't have a purpose, but I do have ulterior motives.

   Getting a discount for the inconvenience. Or a sheep.

   My fag.

7. 6

   Some are born to sweet delight. Agree?

   Honey!

   I am. Oh yes. God, André, Sheep - over here!

   The poets, the painters, and dead men. Guitars are good, too.

   As long as we're not talking Marlboro.

8. 7

   Leave a trace.

   Everything's ashes and smoke and ephemeral. Existentialist. A black roll-neck sweater.

   STI. Sheep, Breton, God... wait.

   We live on in our children.

   Coffee cup, carpet. The world is not a photo mural. This is not Seattle.

Finished!